How can someone be so egotistical be self-depreciating and criticizing at the same time. It feels like I'm having some bi-polar disorder. Because I for one like to day dream and self-praise in third person for being smart and cute. But I tell myself in first person that I'm fat and ugly and a loser. Like WTH? What's wrong with me idiocy to the max all I can say to myself.

Who can I keep my secrets with?

My thoughts on attraction

Was reading a comic and I suddenly wondered do friends really discuss about relationships? Like do they discuss who they actually attracted to? If they are not found out they won't say it out do they? I mean it really feels really personal. Talking about something that is not even confirmed. Maybe you truly like the person but what if the person doesn't like you at all? Once you say it out doesn't it feel like you really want to be in the relationship with the person and imposing your feelings on a person with friends is like a burden to the person you like. What if the one you like prefers not to have a open relationship then again is that healthy? I think out of all the people I've been attracted to. out of the numbers I only openly discuss 3 due to circumstances and curiosity of friends. I never discuss my attraction till I fell out of it but i never really said it out really clearly either its like i will never tell who i liked but i described the process and feelings i had, occasions i had. I hate to expose that side of me because I find that it's a weakness. It's scary. I think I'm mentally not ready for a relationship, I guess. Though I'm already like what going I be a quarter of a century. Maybe the right one hasn't come? Maybe it had but it was too early? So you people believe in there's a soulmate? I don't think I do after going thru the attractions and relationship stuff. Maybe I'm just deluded now. Yes, I am strongly attracted to someone right now, but I think I would discuss it with anyone. However, the person I'm attracted seems to know it's always the circumstances but I rather not be open. I'm actually obvious if you actually know who is it.

为什么不能安眠，我是很想眭但不能入眠。(°_°)

Hmm like the last time using iPhone

to blog... Like the last time many things happen again. Life keeps in changing I guess, the changes seem minuscule day by day but when you take the whole year you see there's a big difference. Received my diploma in 2009 yea that long ago. When to work for a year or so, first in a restuarant for a month which really was fun though tiring and it felt demanding at that time, but the fact that I could reminisce shows that it was actually enjoyable unlike the job I had after but stay for a year where I felt miserable and directionless it was really something I wasn't heading for. I looked around and decided maybe I should take up something that I was really interested in and then I saw an opportunity to do a another diploma this time in baking @sunrice but the customer service wasn't forthcoming and did felt wanted waited for a long time before the would actually reply me but anyhow I still almost when on with the application I need a referral therefore I asked one of my diploma lecturer for one. It was he who pushed me to my next course of life as he introduce me to the doing a bachelor in culinary management that was just introduced that year. The short listing was already done but it has poor response due to the fact that as Asians we have a more traditional take on culinary. Hence, luckily for me with a chance of a lifetime I took it up and thus landing me a spot in this bachelor. I guess I could be the one who have the last laugh at the ex-colleagues who jeered at at what I was going to study. Look at how many people trying to get a spot in the Bach. now if I didn't take it up and waited and let others test the waters I probably would not have gotten in anymore. But right now, my future isn't as bright as I wish it is. However, I'm sure this is much better than like a thorn stuck to my skin at least I going towards a direction that i will be having a interest in.

Hello wellos trying out blogging on iPhone 

just a random post

i wonder who is still reading this blog it has almost been a year already.
just typing this out of nothing better to do actually.

last year was really... many things happening. 2 to 3 major "i'm an adult" things happen good lord. i hate it actually i don't like being responsible for my own life HOHOHO... wishing so much that i am still a teenager but whatever.

lets be super-ordinary humans, life sucks.

thank you

benedine is pretty proud of herself to be able to bake coffee loaf that tasted quite alright *pats oneself on the back*

yea. i so wanted to write that somewhere... but anywhere else seems so weird. since it's like quite a few people will read it like on messenger or fb... down here it just feels ok.

since it's the first time i've actually bakes something besides cookies, muffin, cupcake and brownie /: i just followed the recipe though

coffee loaf tastes a little like chocolate but then like coffee too so it's kinda addictive to me ahha i ate so many slices myself. X:



right now i'm suppose to see my results and find out if i really officially unofficially graduated from nyp. but nyp website is pretty much lagging right now so i don't get my results i just probably check it later...

mmm... me likey

hihi.

even if i read more books i haven't updated my book log thing... so lazy. it's like i don't even update my blog much eh. i wonder how's the open house and how is the turn up. it's like all the polys(ies) are holding it at the same time??? hope it's fun.

anyway, i here to report on my self realisation of me being very unfit. i think i have a blood pressure that's below average. and in need of a regular excercise so that my blood pressure is normal?? i think i know why i didn't faint the 1st time i donated blood already. it's not because i didn't finished my iron tablets... thus fainting the next 2 times i donated blood... it's because the 1st time i was stll doing yoga...
it's also probably why i hate hotsprings also(i meant my blood pressure). eeps... it is normal to feel faint after getting up? like if your getting up below knee level? do you feel faint? even if it's just like 2 mins?? i do. and sometimes it can last for about 20secs or more before i can actually see properly again. k... makes me feel like some sickly person hahaa right. k that's all. maybe it's normal?

【腐向け】今日からマ王！でウエスタンショー【手書きＭＡＤ】



今日からマ王！でコンビニ



haha omg i think these are so cutee but i totally don't understand... help me translate?

We saw this trailer while waiting for HSM3


OMG should a fat hamster

i want to say. i think chick fic are so much easier to read and married authors seems to be more opened about sexuality.

Benedine feels like a big fat loser right now

the next sem is starting soon. like next week? which is 2 days away not including today 'cause it's already more than 1/2 a day gone? what am i going to do with my precious last weekday of my vacation? rot at home.

i was so hopping to see more people online... but they're not so ya. how ready am i for the next sem? lets see i haven't really racked my brains to remember much for the last 6 months. have been watching anime the last 4 months. i totally have no idea whether i can remember anything that was taught to me the last 2 and 1/2 years. so NO! i am totally not ready for this sem and my gpa sucks so like it will probably drop after this last sem and i think i have no future in this line anymore. SOBS.

I'm gonna miss all the anime watching that i did for this 4 months.

OMG! i got the coolest dream

i dreamt that i found the ultimate measuring cup!! like OMG! i was like i can totally use that for baking FOREVER! it was able to measure out 5ml to 4 cups omg what is it just a dream? i WANT!! ): ya it's totally a dream

i smell like beer and prawns now.

GOOD LORD you know i woke up with the weirdest dream still lingering in my mind. it was about armpit hair. shit. what kind of dream was that. anyway so i was thinking why do humans have armpit hair? so i looked it up yar. apparently armpit hair to what is logical, is a show of being an adult. it actually strains of the sweat gathering in the armpit prevent the festation of bacteria. it also help disperse pheromones that i had talked about in my previous blogs. so like hell keeping armpit hair supposedly to be good? ok to tell you the truth i can't stand looking at armpit hair. when i see armpits i will look, actually stare. my visual direction will straight away move to the armpit. hahaha sick.

then i when watching youtube of people removing armpit hair and reading the comments... some comments were like let me lick your armpit. like eww?? ok that's all of my armpit post.

and anyway, i do remove my armpit hair.

oh please let me watch house bunny and high school musical 3.

i want to watch

the nightmare before christmas and corpse bride.

right left center.

i'm feeling pretty low i wonder why either maybe it's because life isn't as rosy as i want it to be. just ignore me anyway i'll feel better soon enough it's just a pang.

my overly ripe bananas have been stolen!! /: i tot no one would touch such ripe bananas i was wrong. great.
i saw this really pretty recipe book called big fat cookies by Elinor Klivans. makes me want to bake like seriously. like every week OMG so tempting. i want nice utensils for baking new mixing bowls [1 large, 2 medium and many smalls preferbly made slightly weighty and smoothed bottom] new baking sheets, nice whisk with good grip and light, new hand held mixer and endless of good quality ingredients haha ok just saying that for fun. i love chewy cookies.

Gaia doesn't want me to exercise

anyway. i had a thought for a good post but i forgot q: yesterday was mid autumn my relatives met up and we had a mini celebration for that. my brother with his newly acclaimed driver license drove us there. so proud of him *pats my bro's imaginary back*

anyway with my friends a few days back we had this conversation. makes me hope that people don't change as they mature. but it's pretty diffcult isn't it as the passage through time most people have to change to accomodate to their life. you're not my spunky little kid anymore...

and i'm not the little tomboy who totally gets upset when people think that i'm a boy.